Archive for the 'Humor' Category

“And Thank You for Choosing Harvard University!”

Published by Robert Pondiscio on November 3, 2009 in Higher Education and Humor. 4 Comments

In most sectors of our economy, customer focus is paramount, as it should be in education, too. Customer focus could yield a more student-centric system through the development and dissemination of user-friendly “truth-in-education” information that helps students make “best-fit” choices regarding which education provider to select based on customer preferences such as: academic quality, price, convenience, learning style, beginning education level and the anticipated return on their investment in education.”  — Putting the Customer First in College: Why We Need an Office of Consumer Protection in Higher Education,” a report released today by the Center for American Progress

Hi, my name is Bruce and I’ll be your professor today!  We’re thrilled you’ve chosen to matriculate with us this Fall.  May I tell you about some of the special features of your college?

We’re committed to being the low-price leader in higher education.  This semester, we have a special Buy One, Get One Free promotion.  When you register for a class with us, choose a second class of equal or lesser challenge and get the second course absolutely free!  And remember, if you find a lower price for this course at any nationally advertised college or university, simply bring us the ad and we will beat their price.  Guaranteed!

I’d also like to tell you about out Frequent Learner program.  Sign up today, to earn class credits and education rewards.  You can use your frequent learner points to purchase clothing, housewares, books, and just about anything–even term papers!  Earn even more rewards when you put your tuition on your Phi Beta Kappa Gold Visa card.  In fact, you’re pre-approved just for registering for this class.

If at the end of this semester, you’re not happy with your grade for any reason, simply return it within 90 days for a full refund or a replacement grade.  In this class–and every class–customer satisfaction is Job Number One! 

I’m also happy to announce that starting with the 2009-2010 academic year, your undergraduate degree comes with a standard 10-year, 100-thousand dollar future earnings warranty.  If you’re not earning six figures within ten years of graduation, we’ll make up the difference no questions asked!

On behalf of the entire faculty, administration, support staff and our nationwide network of alumni, we’d like to thank you for letting us educate you.  We understand that you have a choice in colleges.  Our goal is to be your preferred provider of education and career services whenever and wherever you choose to be educated.

Thank you, and have a great day!

Grammar and Syntax Standards?

Published by Robert Pondiscio on July 23, 2009 in Humor. 17 Comments

The “premature” release of the draft national standards on this blog yesterday prompted the National Governors Association to officially release the document today–along with the following statement:

STATEMENT FROM NGA: 
As some of you may be aware, the first working draft of the college and career-ready standards were prematurely released. NGA and CCSSO had hoped to incorporate feedback from states and other experts before releasing a working draft so that we can ensure the best common core possible. 

Sorry about that, er, premature…..wait a second……ummmmm……Hey, shouldn’t that read “was prematurely released?”  The first working draft were prematurely released??  

Ouch.  Any English teachers working on those grammar and syntax standards?

Teens Don’t Tweet

Published by Robert Pondiscio on July 16, 2009 in Humor, Research and Reports and Students. 2 Comments

When 15-year-olds are writing research reports for Morgan Stanley advising executives worldwide how teens use social media, perhaps it’s an indication that we really don’t neeed to worry about teaching this stuff in school.  

By the way, according to the much-discussed report by bank intern Matthew Robson, teens don’t tweet.

“Teenagers do not use Twitter,” he wrote. “Most have signed up to the service, but then just leave it as they realise that they are not going to update it (mostly because texting Twitter uses up credit, and they would rather text friends with that credit). They realise that no one is viewing their profile, so their tweets are pointless.”

All those lesson plans with Twitter?  Have you considered 8-track tapes?  A Victrola?

Family Downsizing

Published by Robert Pondiscio on June 2, 2009 in Humor. 0 Comments

Detroit Free Press columnist Michael Rosenberg and his wife have reached a very difficult decision.  Given the economic hard times, the couple has decided to lay off one of their children.  At first, they tried reducing both of their children to part-time. “We tried it for a few days,” Rosenberg deadpans, “but it proved untenable.”

One night, as I was tucking my daughter into bed, she looked me in the eyes and said, “Daddy, will you stay with me for a few minutes?”

“I would love to, sweetheart,” I said, “but it is the end of your shift.”

I won’t go into detail on her reaction. Suffice it to say she was unprofessional. We attempted, on a trial basis, to have the kids pay for their own health care. But we had to nix that plan when our daughter made her first payment in pine cones and pretend pancakes. Clearly, she did not understand the gravity of the situation.

“”I’ll admit there have been moments when I wondered if we made the correct decision,” Rosenberg concludes.  ”But true parenting is not always about doing the easy thing; it is about doing the right thing.”

One wag on the Free Press message board says it’s all the kids’ fault.  If they hadn’t demanded health care and education benefits, they could compete with lower cost Asian import families.

Ed Reform Devil’s Dictionary

Published by Robert Pondiscio on May 19, 2009 in Humor. 5 Comments

Flypaper’s Mike Petrilli laments the tendency of both opponents and proponents of “school reform” to vilify the other side with caricatures.   “I think both sides care about improving children’s lives, want an education system that works for all kids, and think they are on the side of the angels,” Petrilli writes.  “So let’s keeping fighting the good fight, but by engaging over ideas, not by demonizing our opponents.”  Mike is right, of course.  But assuming old habits die hard, it might help to have an ed reform Devil’s Dictionary. This handy device will help you keep track of who is saying what about whom and why. 

It’s easy to use.  When you read one of the following phrases, simply substitute the definition provided for maximum clarity!

“Education reform”
     My cause or idea.

“Real reformer” 
     Someone who agrees with me.

“Champion of reform” 
     A powerful, rich or influential person who agrees with me

“Distraction”
     A colossal blunder made by a champion of reform.

“Puts the interest of adults ahead of what’s best for kids” 
     People who disagree with me; cf. “status quo”

“It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s a step in the right direction.” 
     The data doesn’t support my pet reform.

“More study is needed”  
     The data says my pet reform has a negative effect. 

“I support merit pay”  
     Teachers are fundamentally lazy

“Data-driven accountability”  
     Children frighten me.

“Children are not data.” 
     Accountability frightens me.

“It’s important to listen to teachers”
     I will sit in the room while teachers vent, then go back to ignoring them.

“It’s important to listen to parents” 
     Everyone knows parents want what’s best for their kid and no one else    

“Bad schools threaten America’s economic competitiveness” 
     I will never see a social security check .

Correcting Grammar is the Funnest Job

Published by Robert Pondiscio on April 28, 2009 in Humor. 6 Comments

Do my ears deceive me?  Did Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs actually say on national television – on Meet the Press, no less – “this is the funnest, most rewarding job that I’ve ever had and it may well be the funnest and most rewarding job that I ever have.”

Funnest?  The man who speaks for the President, who speaks for the United States of America, said “funnest?”  Twice??

If Mr. Gibbs and I go out to breakfast, we might have fun.  We also might have pancakes.  Fun and pancakes are both nouns.  If our breakfast cannot be the pancakiest meal we ever had, then how could it be the funnest?

Some will argue that “fun” has gained traction as an adjective, as in “That was a fun breakfast.”  But if you want to be a stickler about it (and having gone this far down the path, why not go the rest of the way?), “fun” used to describe the breakfast is not an adjective, but an attributive noun.  Here’s a great explanation from the blog Grammar Girl:

In the phrase “sugar cookie,” “sugar” is a noun, but it’s being used in an attributive way to describe the cookie. Attributive nouns do exactly the same thing as adjectives. You could say, “I ate a sugar cookie” or “I ate a yummy cookie.” The sentences are constructed the same way, but “sugar” is an attributive noun and “yummy” is an adjective.

No adjective?  Then no comparative (funner) and no superlative (funnest).

Your job may be the most fun you’ve ever had, Mr. Gibbs, but it’s not the funnest.

Goodbye, Columbus Day

Published by Robert Pondiscio on April 13, 2009 in Education News, Higher Education and Humor. 2 Comments

Brown University has decided Christopher Columbus no longer warrants a holiday.  But the faculty still wants a long weekend, so it’s Goodbye, Columbus Day.  Hello, Fall Weekend.  “Hundreds of Brown students had asked the Providence school to stop observing Columbus Day,” the AP reports, ”citing the explorer’s violent treatment of Native Americans he encountered.” 

Let’s not stop there, writes Providence Journal columnist Mark Patinkin.  Since Hannukah is based on a celebration of carbon-based fuels during a time of global warming, it should be renamed “Alternative Fuels-Day.”  Mother’s and Father’s Day “assumes a rigid, traditional family structure no longer in keeping with society’s changes.”   Thus it would be better to combine the two into a single new holiday called “Guardian’s Day.”  And President’s Day, he notes, discriminates against the other two branches of government.  It’s gotta go, he writes.

Because of the importance of Christmas, I for one would be willing to see it go forward, but only if the elves are allowed to join the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, which may well be possible if the Obama administration follows through on promises to make it easier for unions to organize in the workplace.

Patinkin is joking.  Brown isn’t.

 

 

Dollars and/or Cents…To Verizon, There’s No Difference

Published by Robert Pondiscio on February 7, 2009 in Humor. 7 Comments

What’s the difference between $.002 and .002¢?  In the case of this customer complaint captured by failblog.org, the difference amounts to about $70 dollars on a phone bill.  Alas, a customer service rep and a supervisor at Verizon refuse to accept they’re not the same amount.

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=lCJ3Oz5JVKs">http://youtube.com/watch?v=lCJ3Oz5JVKs</a>

Two things to do right away: Check your phone bill to make sure you haven’t been overcharged because of sloppy math.  Then sell any stock you have in Verizon.

And while we’re on the subject of bad math in business, here’s a sign that fails on several levels.  And before you’re tempted to conclude that the sign is correct because the customer is saving negative $49, do the math:

What We Have Here Is a Failure To Communicate

Published by Robert Pondiscio on January 22, 2009 in Humor. 2 Comments

A government ministry in England has been called on the carpet for the “impenetrable language peppered with jargon” in its reports.  OK class, let’s use our reading strategies to make sense of this passage, shall we?

An overarching national improvement strategy will drive up quality and performance underpinned by specific plans for strategically significant areas of activity, such as workforce and technology. The capital investment strategy will continue to renew and modernise further education establishments to create state of the art facilities.”

Turn and talk to your neighbor and see if you can find the main idea.  No?  Hmmm.  Let’s use context clues, then.  The agency that wrote the passage in question is the “Department for Innovation, Universities and Skills.” 

They’re responsible for courses in basic literacy for adults.

These Things Take Time

Published by Robert Pondiscio on December 11, 2008 in Education News and Humor. 5 Comments

Still no Education Secretary?  Flypaper is getting tired of waiting for Obama to make his choice.  Just a hunch, but there might be an obvious explanation for the hold-up.  Instead of the standard FBI background check and seven-page questionnaire, perhaps the President-elect’s education advisors are insisting the candidates submit portfolios and other “authentic assessments.”